


You and I

by Gabirra



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Christmas Vacation, F/F, Lexa is a mother, One Night Stands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 06:54:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10826067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabirra/pseuds/Gabirra
Summary: Clarke is on vacation from her bachelor's degree in Art History in Europe, and this relationship between you two has been building up since 8th grade. Everybody knows there is more than friendship involved... Everybody but you and Clarke. Thats okay, though, because a night out is gonna change all of that...





	You and I

Tonight I get to see you. 

Tonight I get to be close to you. 

Tonight, I can kiss you twice, once for hello, and once for goodbye thanks to our godsend warm and touchy cultural norms. 

Tonight I get to kiss you with the care I feel for you, without really giving myself away… Or so I thought until our friend, Raven, brought us back from our conversation with a “Mmmkay, don’t go kissing on me.” 

I look at Raven confusedly, but still with my heart on my hand. Shit, am I so obvious? I try lighting up the mood telling you not to pay attention, and when Raven laughing still goes to tell our friends what she just said, I tell them,  
“You interrupted my attempt, Raven, man…”

They all laugh, but you are upset,  
“Why do you say those things, Raven?”  
Raven laughs. She laughs and says it is a joke.

Of course she meant it as a joke… or not. Of course she meant it for real, because she knows. She knows the way I look at you is not… it’s just not the way I look at her or… or really anyone else. She knows. 

I am sorry, I really try not to show the love I have for you, but there is something in my behavior that gives me away. Maybe the betrayal comes from my eyes, who knows?

 

I dress up with you on my mind of course, and I mentally high five myself when you compliment my choices of clothes. Shit, the floor really trembles and feels unstable when you look at me like that. 

I calm myself down, and try to find a stable standing where I won’t fall, by choosing other people to be close to, and of course, I take the first opportunity to get away and get the beers. 

Sometimes love is that suffocating. 

But then you offer to go too, and this excites the shit out of me. I wonder why I feel more calmed if it is only you and me. Maybe it is fear. The fear that other people will notice the way I look at you. I am actually okay if it’s you realizing how much I care for you, though. 

Ha, who am I kidding. Not even I realize to what extent I have feelings for you. The times I have tried to label it– or even get a grip on my feelings to understand what exactly I feel for you– I have, immediately, guided my mind towards less confusing thoughts. If I don’t even want to know what I really feel for you… who else will figure it out?

You don’t actually go, maybe it is because I didn’t really made eye contact with you. Sometimes I feel we can communicate with only looking at each other. That scares me though, cause if you really look, you might get scared at how much my whole being adores you. 

When we get back empty handed to get the beers somewhere else, it takes you almost a block to decide to come with us. But when I hear you calling for us, it’s as if you had heard my call for you to accompany us, and DAMN IT at the smile I give you. 

*"Control yourself, Lexa!" My subconscious screams at me. 

I half hug you and in some way keep on touching your shoulder all the way to the store. I am sorry, I just wanna be close to you, in any way really is enough for me. Shit, I am in deep, am I not?

You insist on going to your brother’s house even though you know I really have to go home, and of course, I accept. Shit, being close to you is simply perfect, and I don’t want to miss those precious seconds that you are here, so close, so close yet so far. 

I get too sleepy and your brother Wells tells me to just use his bed… I am still not sure, and when I propose to go home, you shut it down every time. I gotta go home to my kid though. I gotta go home to Aden, but you talk about me driving so sleepily, and of course I give in. He is in grandma’s hand anyways. He is okay. 

And the way you are looking at me, with those blue eyes begging at me… it makes me, for a millisecond, daydream that your look means “stay, I wanna talk to you. Stay, I wanna hold and kiss you the same way you have dreamt of us.” 

I catch myself though and immediately cut that train of thought. I am so fucking pitiful. Even if your extra touching and care meant anything… it surely didn’t mean THAT, right?

I mean, I know you said two weeks ago you would totally do me if we weren’t friends, but we are still friends, Clarke… so, nah. You just want me safe and not driving drunk, I bet. 

Shit but the way you caress and care for me when you practically tuck me into bed… 

*"Cut that crap, Lexa. She will not go there, just sleep"...

I wake up to your brother falling on the bed beside me, and to you waking me up softly to guide me to our bed. An image of you and I sleeping in a bed together pops in my head, and my heart is gonna jump out of my chest, but… shit, it is one of those rooms with two different mattresses, the one that rolls from the bottom… and here I was thinking that maybe we were gonna share a bed. 

Sigh… life isn’t like the movies, I guess. It definitely isn’t. 

I fall face first on the bottom one. This is normal of me to do with everybody, to leave the best for the rest, and obviously with you is even a more automatic thing. Fuck, I am so exhausted. I almost fall asleep before I hear you taking the other bed… But I don’t even have time to sigh because you immediately ask me if it is okay for you to sleep with me on the same mattress. I just nod, cause shit… 

Is it happening?! 

*"Nah… Stop it, Lexa!" My mind practically yells at me. 

But when you not only drop right beside me, but are actually touching almost every inch of my upper body, my heart nearly escapes me. I probably noticeably held my breath. I obviously wasn’t expecting you to get this close. Oh, my god. It feels too nice. 

*"Control yourself, damn it! She’s always been this warm with you. It’s not happening and stop fooling yourself!"

I talk about the weather, of course (god Lexa, you have no game) and I say I am cold, but maybe I am nervous and sharing a blanket means I get to touch your legs with mine, so that’s a plus. That will probably be the closest I will ever get to you. 

And, oh, you have no problem. God, you are so close, touching your legs is so nice. 

*"You fucking lesbian disaster, this is your friend!"

I thank you for not letting me drive like that and you are so fucking sweet it warms my heart. Your barely there nod and “aja” are just full of something… 

But nah, it is nothing. I don’t want to fool myself that it is something meaningful, so I let it pass... This, of course, is all happening while you are softly caressing my arm and being impossibly close. 

*"What does this mean!?"

I try again, cause anything is better than being this close to you and knowing I can’t go for it. I can't go for it because the time I did, a year ago, you looked at me so unpleasantly surprised… I wouldn’t want to make you feel that uncomfortable again.

No, this time, if anything is happening, it will be on you. The ball is in your court, Clarke. And I don’t even let myself imagine what it would be like if you did anything about it. 

So I make pity conversation,  
-“Did our friends make it alright?”  
-“Yeah”—  
Shit why do you sound so fucking husky right now, now… of all times!?  
\- “Good, I am glad.” 

Fuuuuck when did my hand start caressing your cheek?!

*"Stop with the infatuation, damn it Lexa. That’s so not cool…"

But of course my body is choosing to think on its own right now, I can’t stop.

I am already this close, caressing your face is harmless… Right?

I think I have had my eyes closed this hole time. 

This is probably how my mind is resisting reality as much as it can, till reality hits me on my face. And wow… O.M.G, for you sigh and lean in and the whole world stops spinning so much because you are kissing me. 

YOU. ARE. KISSING. ME. YOU, Clarke. YOU. 

And your lips are so damn soft, so fucking soft, and perfect, and everything I thought they would feel like.

God, you are kissing me, and it feels so nice. It is slow at first, both tasting the waters, mind still catching up to what we are doing, at least mine is. I don’t really know if you have thought this through. I don’t really know if you have been thinking about me the way I think about you. I don’t know if you have planned this ahead. I know shit. But I don’t care, you are kissing me and it is so perfect. 

You are so perfect. 

I can’t help myself, your name escapes my lips. 

"Clarke..."

And I am done for, I haven’t mentioned anyone’s name like that… ever. EVER. 

You are kissing me, and my love is just rushing out. I wish I can stay in this moment forever, or at least be able to repeat it. 

Clarke, you make me wish life had a repeat button. Gosh, I really wish these moments could be rewound and rewound again. I would probably waste my entire life in them. And god, I know you are worth it. This is worth it.

But you start touching me and I… my mind is just too slow at the moment, and I don’t understand… You actually want to fuck? You touch my boobs as if you had been waiting for it all your life, and I am just always a step behind. Because when you start unbuttoning my shorts and right away touching me, I can only inhale in surprise and moan a little. Even if in the back of my mind I know I should have stopped you before you even got close to my pants, I am still unable to stop you right away. But I have my reasons. For starters, I haven’t shaved in like two weeks, and secondly, you are high out of your mind! 

So I pull your hand out… 

“Wait… stop.”

“Whats wrong?” You ask me.

*"NOTHING!" My mind yells at me. 

“You have taken acid, and smoked weed and drank alcohol, and are… are you sure you want to do this?”

“It’s okay, I want to.”

Shit. Shit!

“But, are you-“

You kiss me, you kiss me, and I forget. 

I am fucked. I am incapable of denying you anything. 

And you are even more eager and oh, god you don’t waste time. My brah is off and I haven’t really realized it yet. Were you able to get it fast? I feel numb. 

Numb in surprise. 

Numb in my head. 

Numb in my heart. 

Numb because you are kissing and undressing me and I really don’t know how to react. The farthest I thought we would go would be kissing, but this is happening… And OH. You are inside me. You are inside me. You. Are. Inside. Me. 

And I rush to be inside you. 

I rush and it feels so unnatural. This shouldn’t feel rushed, but your hips are following my hands and I can’t stop. 

Yet there is a time lapse, because I don’t know when I stopped touching you, but you are deep and I can’t stop my hips from canting after your hand… I can feel your heat near my leg so I press up and your almost moan obliges a wave of heat rush out of me. And YOU ARE SO WET. My mind is still so, so shocked at this, that the thought of “she wanted me too” keeps on ringing in my head. 

You pressing against my leg and moaning are the best things that have ever happened to me. 

I pant, and your homophobic brother is in the other room, so you quiet me with a “don’t you go screaming on me”… and it’s so unlike you to ask this of me. Of course I would never scream… Your brother would hurt you incredibly by telling your family, why would I wish that on you? I even stop you from time to time because I am so wet it is making so much fucking sound. My fucking annoying cunt is actually turning me off. How ironic. 

You repeatedly ask me what’s wrong, and I think I am able to get something out that hears like “brotha” but I don’t know if you get it. 

You try going down on me, and oh, no, hell no. I haven’t shaved you aren’t going down there, so I pull you up.

“Why not?”  
“I haven’t shaved” 

And you kiss me, and kiss me, and kiss me again. 

Your fingers are now between us, and with your hips, you are pushing yourself in, and oh my god, I am embarrassingly wet. 

“I want to give you a little kiss over there…”

Breathless me, “are you sure?” 

“I want to. Can I kiss you?”

I can only nod… Oh my god. Oh. My. God. I don’t even have to think if you are doing it right or not. It is you. It is you looking at me like that and kissing me at the same time. Your hair doesn’t let me see your face… I can see only a little since, unfortunately, I am as blind as a newborn and my glasses are far, but I can still discern your eyes and they are looking at me so intensely, it makes me shiver. Fuck.

My hips cant… Shit Clarke, I just never thought we would go through this moment, you know? You are kissing me there and I am in bliss in one of the best moments of my life. 

You come up and we keep on kissing and kissing and kissing… until you ask me,  
“Did you like my kiss? 

Breathless, I say, “yes.” 

“Would you like me to do it again?”

Shaking my head, I reply no, “Let me kiss you instead. I want to taste you”  
You nod and I switch our positions dominantly and start kissing down your body… Gosh, your boobs are so perfect, so small and so firm, so unlike everything I have seen or felt. They are so uniquely you, so you. 

I dive in and oh, you taste and smell so perfect. I wanna make you feel good, but you are uniquely quiet. I am really at a lost at what to do. I enter you… you cant your hips towards me and I press my fingers up towards the sky that you are taking me to in this moment. I hope you are liking it, Clarke. God I hope you are liking it. 

Neither of us come. This is more an emotional and loving moment more so than a physical one. We are releasing all that love we have pent up. 

“Maybe loving each other mentally is enough.” My confused self tells me. 

You hold me and keep on massaging my boobs. Gosh I wish I knew where your mind is. Do you want to keep on going? Why have I suddenly forgotten how to read your body language? You are still in my arms though, and that is just more than enough for me.

**Author's Note:**

> It had been bouncing in my head for too long and I had to let it out


End file.
